Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
