I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
