I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
