your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I party with great urgency now.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
