I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
