Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
