i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
