I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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