dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
