I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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