you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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