Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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