I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
