Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
