a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
