Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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