What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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