I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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