I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My cat gives me a boner
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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