onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
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Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
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My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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