you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Sober January is a disaster.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
