just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm like, not good at living.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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