while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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