Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
