The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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