Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
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