Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
