You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
