Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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