Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
