drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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