Can i not drive my cunt home
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
