I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
