well I can't set my house on fire every night
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
