mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
