....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
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