I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
