if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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