At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
