ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
