Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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