You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
