Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
