I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
