i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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