Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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