mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
