please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
