fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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