I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
