I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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