its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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