If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
my phone needs a breathalizer
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
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I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
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Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?