the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
