Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
