Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
