it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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