I am spending my child support on dildos
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
