I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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