We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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