then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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